I have known many Easters: happy Easters, lonely Easters, Easters of immense joy, Easters clouded by depression, and one Easter when my soul felt dead within me as my Good Friday hadn’t played itself out yet. Some Easters I’ve felt prepared for; others have almost caught me by surprise. I remember my first “cloudy” Easter: the weather truly was dismal, and I was surprised — and almost a little distressed — that I did not feel happier. But the work that the Lord has been accomplishing in me over the years has been largely that of impressing upon me that life isn’t about me. Whether I feel happy or sad or nothing at all does not change the fact that Christ has risen from the dead. And whether I’ve kept a good Lent or not does not determine whether God will grace me with joyful feelings on a day of high celebration, nor does it preclude a last minute conversion of heart. Those years that even Easter feels arid I can remember the years that felt lush, and I can offer the darkness to Him, for I am determined to believe that He is Lord of All, including Death.

This Easter is neither here nor there. I’m experiencing typical parent exhaustion and though I kept Lent respectably enough, I could not enter into the mysteries as deeply as I have in other years. This seems fairly typical of my experience so far as a mother: unable to spend the kind of time I spent in prayer as a single person, I feel much more like I’m walking blindly and in faith. I’m forced to trust more that God is working in me whether I’m aware of it or not, and there is almost no way I could deceive myself into thinking that I’m earning heaven by my pious deeds. No, if I earn heaven, as I hope, it will be purely through Christ’s merciful assessment of my poor attempts to be faithful and obedient to my vocation. Whereas I might have fallen into Pharisaical delusion had I entered religious life, family life has by its very demands impoverished my spirit. Thanks be to God!

May your Easter, be it happy or sad or otherwise, be blessed. Christ is risen!

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